over and over

More often than I'd like to admit, I listen to a song over and over again until I'm sick of it. If I don't get sick of it, I just become numb to the original intent of the song, so I can be desensitized to the meaning of the song.

Well now it's Someone Like You by Adele. Bugggggh, I just feel so typical of the average gay man. I really despise when people dig really deep for character development or song analysis. I have had this problem lately at rehearsals. I keep thinking that a pursuit in university theatre would drive me crazy. The idea of taking each line at a time, and discussing the motivations and reactions is just exhausting and frankly it makes me want to vomit.

I love thinking about each song and book on my own and engaging in a self-discussion about intention and impact. I don't like hearing how other people differently interpret the form of art that I've accepted as the truth. If someone has more conviction than I about the point of the piece of art... Well, I'm likely to believe them more.

That's when I stop listening to the song.

I was alone and cold and damp

I perform for many reasons.
But mostly I'm frustrated.
People don't know how to listen.
Like, really listen.
Maybe it's just the way I was raised...
But I think to truly listen, is to understand.
You have to know where the other person is coming from.
When people write - - -
No, when people write WELL, they are attempting to make a statement.
Sometimes when I'm on stage I just lose it.
I lose my focus, timing, control, etc.
Sometimes I get so wound up thinking, here's my chance.
Here's my chance to tell 400 people how scared I am.
I'm scared that people listen better when they have to pay an admission.
Or a cable bill.
I'm scared knowing it's impossible to please everyone in the audience.
I learned this unfortunately late in my career.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm completely distracted by fear.
I get caught up in the gratitude, too.
Each night I think "Holy shit, 400 people? I can't believe half of my facebook friends came."
Then I realize they didn't.
BUT SOME DID!
Some actually did. I'm not speaking into a black hole afterall.
But maybe they didn't even find out about it from facebook.
Maybe people are still talking to each other!
But is anyone listening?

what kind of fool am i?

This woman came into my work today. She had been in before, and it turns out it wasn't just a "bad day" because for the second time today I was treated like I was worthless.

Then my mind began to wander about worth and it's relativity to all of my relationships. I can tell you why every person in my life is valuable to me. It's okay to be selfish when establishing relationships without feeling guilty. It took me a long time to accept this, given my Catholic upbringing, but it is true. As long as you make sacrifices among your needs from others, you're fine. Give what you get.

Well lately I've been trying to establish self-respect and I think I really jumped the gun. Though I could tell you why each friend is a friend, each lover was a lover, and each acquaintance remains an acquaintance... I couldn't necessarily tell you why he or she is with me. So before I build self-respect, I have to begin with self-worth. I need life capital.

Where to start? More to come.

life

It's way too expensive.

just say no

Not gonna find any Catholic guilt around here! I'm going to do what I want and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

the facebook misses

Yep. She just showed her vagina to the Sheboygan crowd during Hairspray bows.

stop watching grey's

A lot of what I do is driven by how I want to be remembered. Do I want to be remembered for fifteen seconds of fame somewhere in Hollywood, or on Broadway? Is it too late to be considered as a lifetime hero or legend?

I'm watching American Idol right now, a television show that I haven't seen in awhile. I'm watching the television hosts exploit individuals with mental instabilities. I am not blaming the creators of the show or the overpaid hosts of the television show. I'm blaming myself for watching. I'm done.

Does everyone have to sell themselves to some degree to get famous? I've been told to audition for this show many times. But seeing the way they treat these people, I would never make myself so vulnerable; especially not to have it all ripped up in front of me.

They have mastered the art of making people laugh and cry. In order to laugh, you have to see someone lose. In order to cry, you have to know what it feels like to lose. They also know how to sell their products. They have mastered the ability to get us to empty our wallets.

They scare me.

never never

When I was younger I never imagined that holding the hand of my best dude friend would be alright. There is something incredibly wrong with that. We should be allowed to show more affection with our friends. That's what we're here for.

Thank me

Thank me with a kiss,
It'll leave a bigger mark.
You'll thank me when this is over.
I'm coming out of the dark.

The next five years

I can't deny how much I care about you.

I can't control the feelings I have for this man. And I can't control the feelings he has for me. Rinse. Repeat. It's that simple.
I didn't like this movie the first time I saw it.

I'm broken. I'm an alcoholic. I'm in a large amount of debt.

Here's what I can do. I can recover much quicker this time. I can control myself. I can fix myself. . I am so bored. I can run five miles. I can work out. I can win poker tournaments.I can talk to you.

I can survive this, and then succeed. And I will.

what's your difference

I need to start taking my life a little bit more seriously. Every day at work I think, "I could just quit today, and I would be perfectly happy". What a ridiculous thought to have on the mind. So many people depend on Starbucks Coffee for a career. And here I am, taking it for granted.

I'm just afraid that if I take it too seriously I won't be able to have any fun. But if I have too much fun will I make any progress? To whom will the measuring of progress fall upon? Or will I be so happy that I stay in this same house, working this same job, cleaning the same litter box day after day?

Yesterday I was cuddling up to the movie King Lear, and overheard the line "what's your difference?" I have never been ecstatic about Shakespeare. But that line struck a chord with me. The reason it was asked, was because two individuals were arguing, and the questioner wanted to know the matter of argument. But it also made me ponder my own difference. I am a six-foot five, three hundred pound flamboyant man, and I am facing difficulty getting noticed.

There's no...

Who put the business in show-business? At what point do you sacrifice the intent of your art to increase ticket sales?

uh-oh

Maybe I do have a problem. And it's not that I'm no one special.

downer removed

I have a feeling I'm going to be writing a lot more. My best friends and I just vowed to quit drinking.

shiksa goddess

If I'm head over heels for someone I need to remain aware that I will eventually fall out of love as fast as I fell in.

I spent a lot of time at shopping centers today.

I saw the movie True Grit, starring Jeff Bridges. I bought the music book for the Last Five Years.

Now I'm going to finish laundry. So who cares, so what?

deep in imagination

The truth is, there is nothing special about me at all.

What can I say? I surround myself with incredible people, and I don't let them go. That makes me smart, not special.

Maybe I want to bitch about my problems and not get lectured with solutions.

I happen to like ignoring the solutions to my problems, thank you very much. I've never been much of a learner. My memory is the pits, to boot.

I find myself shutting my eyes and imagining I am not where I am. I rarely find myself deep in thought, but often deep in imagination. I wonder if writing will help me form concrete thoughts. I am done with dreaming.