over and over

More often than I'd like to admit, I listen to a song over and over again until I'm sick of it. If I don't get sick of it, I just become numb to the original intent of the song, so I can be desensitized to the meaning of the song.

Well now it's Someone Like You by Adele. Bugggggh, I just feel so typical of the average gay man. I really despise when people dig really deep for character development or song analysis. I have had this problem lately at rehearsals. I keep thinking that a pursuit in university theatre would drive me crazy. The idea of taking each line at a time, and discussing the motivations and reactions is just exhausting and frankly it makes me want to vomit.

I love thinking about each song and book on my own and engaging in a self-discussion about intention and impact. I don't like hearing how other people differently interpret the form of art that I've accepted as the truth. If someone has more conviction than I about the point of the piece of art... Well, I'm likely to believe them more.

That's when I stop listening to the song.

I was alone and cold and damp

I perform for many reasons.
But mostly I'm frustrated.
People don't know how to listen.
Like, really listen.
Maybe it's just the way I was raised...
But I think to truly listen, is to understand.
You have to know where the other person is coming from.
When people write - - -
No, when people write WELL, they are attempting to make a statement.
Sometimes when I'm on stage I just lose it.
I lose my focus, timing, control, etc.
Sometimes I get so wound up thinking, here's my chance.
Here's my chance to tell 400 people how scared I am.
I'm scared that people listen better when they have to pay an admission.
Or a cable bill.
I'm scared knowing it's impossible to please everyone in the audience.
I learned this unfortunately late in my career.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm completely distracted by fear.
I get caught up in the gratitude, too.
Each night I think "Holy shit, 400 people? I can't believe half of my facebook friends came."
Then I realize they didn't.
BUT SOME DID!
Some actually did. I'm not speaking into a black hole afterall.
But maybe they didn't even find out about it from facebook.
Maybe people are still talking to each other!
But is anyone listening?

what kind of fool am i?

This woman came into my work today. She had been in before, and it turns out it wasn't just a "bad day" because for the second time today I was treated like I was worthless.

Then my mind began to wander about worth and it's relativity to all of my relationships. I can tell you why every person in my life is valuable to me. It's okay to be selfish when establishing relationships without feeling guilty. It took me a long time to accept this, given my Catholic upbringing, but it is true. As long as you make sacrifices among your needs from others, you're fine. Give what you get.

Well lately I've been trying to establish self-respect and I think I really jumped the gun. Though I could tell you why each friend is a friend, each lover was a lover, and each acquaintance remains an acquaintance... I couldn't necessarily tell you why he or she is with me. So before I build self-respect, I have to begin with self-worth. I need life capital.

Where to start? More to come.

life

It's way too expensive.

just say no

Not gonna find any Catholic guilt around here! I'm going to do what I want and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

the facebook misses

Yep. She just showed her vagina to the Sheboygan crowd during Hairspray bows.

stop watching grey's

A lot of what I do is driven by how I want to be remembered. Do I want to be remembered for fifteen seconds of fame somewhere in Hollywood, or on Broadway? Is it too late to be considered as a lifetime hero or legend?

I'm watching American Idol right now, a television show that I haven't seen in awhile. I'm watching the television hosts exploit individuals with mental instabilities. I am not blaming the creators of the show or the overpaid hosts of the television show. I'm blaming myself for watching. I'm done.

Does everyone have to sell themselves to some degree to get famous? I've been told to audition for this show many times. But seeing the way they treat these people, I would never make myself so vulnerable; especially not to have it all ripped up in front of me.

They have mastered the art of making people laugh and cry. In order to laugh, you have to see someone lose. In order to cry, you have to know what it feels like to lose. They also know how to sell their products. They have mastered the ability to get us to empty our wallets.

They scare me.